When I was a kid, I had no friends.
My mother did not approve of me 'socializing' with kids, who lived nearby and through years, when I asked her why she wouldn't let me play with other children, she always used to reply "You were weak".
I've never been a problematic child, nor did I have any problems with my health. I never understood why she would call me weak.
But now I do.
Once though, she letted me go play outside with that group of girls. They all seemed friendly, but I was new, so I felt the distance between me and them, even when we all played one game. Maybe, it would fade if I managed to stick around any longer and they would start trusting me more, if only. I remember, they turned all mean to me, out of the sudden, and it was literally the first time someone would say something rude to me and about me with absolutely no reason, and I had no idea how to answer to that. I felt bad, but I also realizied I would never use their own weapon against them. I just couldn't say anything rude about a person I barely knew and I did not want to anyway.
I just couldn't be mean.
I went home that day and never talked to those girls again. I never tried to befriend anyone ever since that day.
I still remained friendly. It's something you hardly get rid of, you know, so when I went to school, I was nice to everyone in my class. I guess that's why I wasn't considered a loser with no friends.
I was that girl, who never invinted anyone to her birthday celebrating.
In middle school, I was that girl, who had no time for personal life, because she studied alot.
In high school, I was that girl, who never went to parties or school events.
I was weak. Not physically, but emotionally. Because I knew, if someone ever hurted me - I would never bite back, and the only thing I could do is to avoid.
Avoid at any cost.
I never noticed the changes in myself until when I went to college. I had to come out of my shell and when I did so, I felt strong.
And I thought, wow, girl, you did it, you became confident enough to find so many freinds, to go out, and basically live the life.
I never noticed how I lost my greatest ability - the power to forgive people and leave negativity behind. I lost my ability to feel, to be open to this world and people in it. I became even worse than those girls, because now I craved remorse for every pain I felt and anger, that ruined everything on my way, including myself.
I laugh at those who say that life is about becoming better than you are now. How come I upgraded myself, but it feels so wrong?
Life is about letting pain in and fighting it inside, because as long as you feel it, you are alive. As long as it aches, you will never make someone you love feel that pain. Because when you feel nothing, you no longer care how badly your actions affect people around you.
Life is about being that weak little girl, because that's when you are the strongest. xx
My mother did not approve of me 'socializing' with kids, who lived nearby and through years, when I asked her why she wouldn't let me play with other children, she always used to reply "You were weak".
I've never been a problematic child, nor did I have any problems with my health. I never understood why she would call me weak.
But now I do.
Once though, she letted me go play outside with that group of girls. They all seemed friendly, but I was new, so I felt the distance between me and them, even when we all played one game. Maybe, it would fade if I managed to stick around any longer and they would start trusting me more, if only. I remember, they turned all mean to me, out of the sudden, and it was literally the first time someone would say something rude to me and about me with absolutely no reason, and I had no idea how to answer to that. I felt bad, but I also realizied I would never use their own weapon against them. I just couldn't say anything rude about a person I barely knew and I did not want to anyway.
I just couldn't be mean.
I went home that day and never talked to those girls again. I never tried to befriend anyone ever since that day.
I still remained friendly. It's something you hardly get rid of, you know, so when I went to school, I was nice to everyone in my class. I guess that's why I wasn't considered a loser with no friends.
I was that girl, who never invinted anyone to her birthday celebrating.
In middle school, I was that girl, who had no time for personal life, because she studied alot.
In high school, I was that girl, who never went to parties or school events.
I was weak. Not physically, but emotionally. Because I knew, if someone ever hurted me - I would never bite back, and the only thing I could do is to avoid.
Avoid at any cost.
I never noticed the changes in myself until when I went to college. I had to come out of my shell and when I did so, I felt strong.
And I thought, wow, girl, you did it, you became confident enough to find so many freinds, to go out, and basically live the life.
I never noticed how I lost my greatest ability - the power to forgive people and leave negativity behind. I lost my ability to feel, to be open to this world and people in it. I became even worse than those girls, because now I craved remorse for every pain I felt and anger, that ruined everything on my way, including myself.
I laugh at those who say that life is about becoming better than you are now. How come I upgraded myself, but it feels so wrong?
Life is about letting pain in and fighting it inside, because as long as you feel it, you are alive. As long as it aches, you will never make someone you love feel that pain. Because when you feel nothing, you no longer care how badly your actions affect people around you.
Life is about being that weak little girl, because that's when you are the strongest. xx
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